查看完整版本 : retaker求作文狠評

a69d93 2016-9-12 12:24 AM

retaker求作文狠評

想咁多位Ching幫我睇多少少兩樣野(grammar同埋Linkage)


Question: You want to give a speech at thefollowing conference: Growing up in H.K. in the 21st century. Aconference for young people aged 13-18. We are looking for students to giveshort talks on the topic of ’The joys of being a teenager in Hong Kong’. Writea speech for the conference.

Good morning Principal, teaches and fellowstudents,

My name is Chris Wong from ABC College and Iam going to share a story to you. Kevin hart, a famous comedy host in America,was invited by a university for sharing his achievement and some motivationalwords to graduate students. At the first of his sharing, he said’ I am jealousof both of you living in 21st century, receiving the best qualitiesand cares of studying from different people’s contributions in the pastdecades. Definitely, no matter growing up in America or Hong Kong, we arehaving the joy of being a teenager in Hong Kong in 21st century.

To begin with, we are having the bestqualities of education compared with the past decades. Since we are receivingthe contribution from ex-workers in the past decades, we are able to increasethe competitive power with different subsidies from government. We have theprivilege to be an exchange student to different countries and it could broadenour horizon. The students in 1980s were only able to go to libraries, readingbooks from writers to explore the world with a few words and images. We mayexplore the world through filling in some documents and attending interviewsand you could be an exchange student studying in different universities,learning difficult cultures and language even the values face to face instead. Besides,some students who are living in poverty could have opportunities to learn extraactivities such as learning instruments or participating swimming lessons sinceour authority no only focuses on academy but also cares about our differentparts in order to reveal more abilities of students. Also, our authorityrealizes that our education should abreast with different countries likeAmerica and England. The small group teaching is introduced in our schools. Itallows some students who are incapable to catch up the teaching in class tostudy in a small class with few students. Teachers could be more flexible onteaching students since they can focus on these students for consolidatingtheir foundation or selecting the amount of homework according to the studentabilities. However, if these students stay at the major class, they will notcatch up easily and teacher will be forced to ignore them for the sake of allstudents in the class. These show that the education in Hong Kong has preparedstudents for the harsh competition in the future.

The joy of being a teenager in Hong Kong alsolies in the right of speech and protesting. As we are living in a specialadministrative region in China, we could have different rights from thispolicy. We are able to discuss issues about sensitive contents. Our governmentallows teachers to discuss the negative news during our Liberal Studies lessons.Some negative news which is related to China’s policy is also introduced in ourLiberal Studies by our government. When talking the issues of China, we candiscuss not only about some positive news like the abilities of finance butalso some negative news like the air qualities in China or the issues of toxicmilk powder even the politician’s mistakes like Bo Xi Lai using his right of aleader and trying to hide the true of his wife killing a businessman when hewas a governor and so on. Besides, we could express our political views withoutfear. We are able to go to forums and register an account without any personalinformation required and your views will not be banned or filtered even being arrestedby police officers because of political reasons. Besides, we have the privilegeto join various activities held by different political parties. Every 4th Juneand 1st July, we can participate in political activities at a sportground in Victoria Harbor Park, sharing our incontestable values that webelieved, disagreeing with the governor’s mistakes and policies such as turninga blind eye to a book seller being arrested by China’s police officersillegally in Hong Kong because of selling some book contents related to somegovernors in China and the XRL construction having been over budget in manytimes. These also show that we have the right superior to those people inChina.

I hope my speech could allow you to feel theprivileges of being a teenager in Hong Kong. No matter you agree with it ornot, I hope that my speech can raise the awareness of students and parents thatwe are not born for examinations but enjoy our privilege of the right duringthe most valuable time of our life.
Thank you.

感激萬分

a69d93 2016-9-12 09:55 PM

:smile_o06: :smile_o06:

a69d93 2016-9-13 04:50 PM

真係無人?:')

Keimorchi 2016-9-14 03:01 PM

good to know

a69d93 2016-9-17 09:23 PM

[quote]原帖由 [i]Keimorchi[/i] 於 2016-9-14 03:01 PM 發表 [url=http://www.discuss.com.hk/redirect.php?goto=findpost&pid=448046308&ptid=26086137][img]http://www.discuss.com.hk/images/common/back.gif[/img][/url]
good to know [/quote]

What do you mean?

dark051164 2016-10-5 09:30 PM

試吓放開少少
因為太呢篇太WRITING FORMAT :loveliness:

ycydavid413 2016-10-8 09:13 PM

My name is Chris Wong from ABC College and I am going to share a story to you.
=> You share sth WITH sb, not TO sb
=> The "story" actually just takes up a tiny part of your speech. By saying "I am going to share a story with you", you imply your speech will be all about that story. You could have said "I would like to start with a sharing by Kevin Hart, an American comedian".

Kevin hart, a famous comedy host in America,was invited by a university for sharing his achievement and some motivationalwords to graduate students.
=> Too clumsy. "...was invited to give a sharing/speech at the University graduation ceremony" would suffice.

At the first of his sharing, he said’ I am jealousof both of you living in 21st century, receiving the best qualitiesand cares of studying from different people’s contributions in the pastdecades.
=> At the first of his sharing => At the beginning / he began his sharing with "..."
=> Both of you?
=> Receiving the best qualities and cares of studying... Dunno what you are trying to say

You need to read more in English to improve your writing. I see you have difficulty in putting ideas together.
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